Is my child an animal?

Last week, I explained that you cannot claim your pet as a dependent on your tax return. If you’d rather not read the whole article, this quote summarizes it nicely:

Although the IRS doesn't specifically spell it out, it is tacitly implied that dependents — at least for taxation purposes — must be human.

Now, I’ve been in this business so long, I already know what your next question is. You’re living with some kind of creature (possibly a teenager) that’s eating you out of house and home, and you’re wondering how to determine if this entity is human so that you can recoup some of your losses.

Well. That’s what I’m here for.

The more we learn about animals, the scarier it gets. They are more like us — and we are more like them — than we care to admit.

For many years, we believed that the ability to make tools is what separated us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Then I saw this program on TV the other night where chimpanzees made — and used — sharpened sticks to spear their prey.

Well, that pretty much threw a monkey wrench into that hypothesis. Ha ha, get it? Monkey wrench.

OK, what about the ability to feel happiness or sorrow? Or to wage war? Exclusively human, right?

Wrong. Chimps have aped us in those departments too. Hoohoo, I kill myself. (Not uniquely human either — lemmings have been known to do that. Kill themselves, that is.)

Other than DNA analysis, which is expensive and non-tax-deductible to boot, there is no way to tell with absolute 100% certainty that the hungry inhabitant you’re living with is indeed Homo sapiens. But there are ways to tell with 99.99% certainty, and if that’s good enough for the IRS, it’s good enough for you.

Test #1 – The Opposable Thumb Rule

Examine the ends of your creature’s forelimbs. What do you see?

• What forelimbs? You have a snake or a pet rock. Not a dependent. STOP.
• Paws, dewclaws, hooves, wings, flippers, tentacles, fins, or talons. You have some sort of animal. Not a dependent. STOP.
• A hand with an opposable thumb. You have a primate, which is a step in the right direction. Proceed to Test #2.

Test #2 – The Tail Rule

Now examine your creature’s hindquarters. Do you see a tail?

• Yes. You have a monkey, which you cannot claim as your dependent, at least not until a few more million years of evolution have passed. STOP.
• No. You have a human, an ape, or a monkey that lost its tail. You’re getting warmer. Proceed to Test #3.

Test #3 – The Hair Distribution Rule

Is the hair more or less evenly distributed along the body of your creature?

• Yes. You have an ape, a tail-less monkey, or JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy. Of these, only JoJo can be claimed as a dependent. STOP.
• No. You either have a human or a tail-less Chinese Crested Dog with hands instead of paws. The former can be claimed as a dependent; the latter cannot.

Because you've made it this far (congratulations!), I'll reward you with some real-life tax tidbits that concern animals:

• You can deduct the cost of shipping your household pets to your new home.
• The cost of purchasing, training, and maintaining a guide dog or other animal trained to assist a person with a physical disability is considered a medical expense.
• Damage or destruction caused by a family pet is not deductible as a casualty loss unless the event is sudden, unexpected, or unusual.
  • New puppy chews the fringe off an antique rug — tragic but not unusual, therefore not deductible.
  • Well-behaved, docile llama suddenly crashes through window and breaks Ming Dynasty vase — highly unexpected and unusual, therefore deductible.
• Cat food, if used to attract feral felines to a vermin-infested junkyard, can be written off. (Such a case actually made it to court, where IRS lawyers conceded that the hungry cats made the junkyard safer for customers by devouring rats and snakes that were on the property.)
• Adoption fees paid to nonprofit animal-rescue organizations cannot be deducted, but donations to these organizations above and beyond the adoption fee are deductible. Make sure you get a receipt.
• Boarding fees for pets while away on a business trip are not deductible.
• The upkeep for guard dogs, if used to protect business assets such as inventory, are deductible by the business as an operating expense. An animal that looks and acts the part is highly recommended. (Looks legit and keeps IRS agents from getting too close. Two birds, one stone.)

Comments

[Lisa Bellissimo]

Hello:

I am using Turbo Tax to file my mom's Federal return. She received a 1099-R from a company where she worked from 1980-1996. She is 68 Years old and started receiving Returement distributions on a monthly basis in February of 1996. The "Taxable Amount Not Determined" Box ( 2a) is checked on her 1099-R -- It also shows an amount of Federal Tax that was withheld from her payments. I need to use the simplified method to fiugre out what portion of her retirement is taxable. It asks for annuity start date which I have entered as 2/6/1996. It also asks for the Total Plan Cost -- I don't know what that is. Her total contributions were $27,918.07 and when she left the company they gave her a tax free amount of $3,167.42. Can anyone help with the amount that I need to enter in "Total Plan Cost"?

[TurboTaxJutta]

Ms. Ballard, you're barking up the wrong tree.

Please contact us at https://turbotax.intuit.com/support/contact -- one of our Agents can help you with that.

[Kayleen Ballard]

I purchased a Turbo Tax Deluxe and called the number to have the updated disk and one state disk sent to me, because I do not have the internet,(I'm at a friends house who does). I was told that it would take 2 weeks for me to recieve it and that was 4 weeks ago. How long does it actually take to recieve the information so I can finish my taxes?

[TurboTaxDanielP Dunbar]

Though the IRS does not specifically spell out that an animal cannot be a dependent there is an obscure court case -
Leland J. Schoen, TC Memo 1975-167 where the court specifically ruled a dog could not be a dependent. It states
While petitioner appears to be entirely sincere, it is quite obvious that the dog cannot qualify as a dependent under section 152. Whatever validity there may be to the ancient maxim that a dog is man's best friend, it is all too clear to us that in no circumstances can a dog qualify as a dependent by reason of being a relative of the taxpayer by blood, marriage or adoption within any of the categories set forth in section 152(a)(1)-(8) and (10), or as an "individual" who is a member of the taxpayer's household within section 152(a)(9)